Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
