Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
