There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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