The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
