I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i now understand why vodka
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
