I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
