Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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