I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
