Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
