I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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