Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
