One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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