That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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