operation have a gay friend backfired
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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