he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
