my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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