he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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