I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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