Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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