I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
