I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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