I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
