I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
