just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
