New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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