Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
