Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
