if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
