Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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