you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Buhtt sex?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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