listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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