We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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