bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
