I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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