i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
