I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
