I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
