We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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