Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
