3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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