ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
