Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dear god my vagina.
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