We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My vagina just recognized that song.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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