I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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