Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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