on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
