he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
