i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
