the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My life is pants optional.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
