My hand turned me down
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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