Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
