Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
